Holes

There is a lot of courage necessary to have your family pictures taken when someone is missing.  Making that step is such a scary thing it takes you years to find the courage.  It is not the lack of time or the effort it will take in finding the perfect outfits that is holding you back.  And it’s not the difficulty of choosing the place or finding a photographer.  And it’s definitely not lack of desire.  In fact, you really, really, really want family pictures.  You so very badly want to preserve the memories of what you have together.  You want to preserve your daughter’s uniqueness and beautiful transformation to becoming her true self.  And your middle son is quickly turning into a young man and you want to capture on film the bright sunshine he spreads everywhere he goes.  And then there’s the little guy who changes every day and in many ways looks so much like his father yet is still so much his own little self.  So, no, it’s not for lack of desire…

It is the big gaping hole that you are afraid of.  You know it will be there.  How could it not be?  It will be there staring right back at you.  How do you hide the hole? How can you cover what is so blatantly missing?  So years go by and your babies grow and change and it hurts to know you are not capturing every single moment.

But finally, after years and years, the desire to preserve time overcomes the fear of what is missing and you gather all of the courage you can muster and call the photographer.  You choose a barn, old and sturdy, that has withstood the winds of time.  It has a few holes of its own.  You gather your children around you, and it is unspoken, but they are afraid of the hole, too.  You take the big leap together and squeeze in close and smile for the camera.  And you are so pleasantly surprised to find that the hole has been filled with the bond of strength and love that comes from overcoming tragedy together.  In fact, the hole is barely noticeable at all because it is patched up with love that is pure and smiles that are hard-earned but genuine, and laughter that comes freely.  And you are supported by the quiet strength of winter’s beauty that surrounds you and the old weathered barn stands in graceful silence in the background.