The Truth

Suicide is an ugly, ugly word.  And even more ugly than the word is the act itself.  And even uglier than the act itself is the cruel and nasty aftermath that suicide leaves in its wake.  Especially when children are involved. 

Especially when the children involved are your children and the nasty wake was left by their father.  And part of the nasty wake left by their father is that you have to tell them yourself that he chose to end his own life.  Because you know what they will think.  You know your own children and you know the horrible thoughts that will go through their heads when you have to explain to them that no, his death was not accidental.  You know they will think it could have been their fault.  You know they will wonder if only they had been better kids.  You know they will wonder, “If only I had texted him on Valentine’s Day.”  You know that they will wonder what they could have done and wish that they had done. 

And because you know this about your children your heart will break into a million little pieces just at the mere thought of having to present them with this news.  And once again, that job is left to you.  Because you are their mother.  It is your job to tell them that their father put a bag over his head.  He put a bag over his head and rubber band around it and a tube of nitrous oxide stuck up in there.  You, as their mother, have to tell them this.  Presenting them with this news is your job because you are their mother.  And once again, you find yourself wondering how in the world you can do such a thing as to tell your children such ugly, ugly news.  But you must.  Because even though you don’t think you can, the counselor tells you that they must know the truth.  And, of course, as their mother, your heart breaks into a million tiny pieces just at the thought of having to do so. 

And so you do.  And let me tell you.  It is never easy to watch your children’s hearts break into a million tiny pieces.  But of course they do.  Because wouldn’t your heart break too if your mother told you this?